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Moan

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I’m feeling all kinds of emotions at the moment.

I’m sad about my Pa. I’m sad but I have been expecting it for some time and I have done a lot of grieving over the years of his decline. I’m glad that he got the chance to have a say in how it all ended. I’m glad that his children were all with him in those final days.

In many ways it was what people call a good death. I do understand this point, I do. When I was in my final year of uni, one of my prac supervisors (hospital practicum) said that she wanted a tattoo on her forehead that read “Not for 33” (the code for resus). I agree with her. I just feel a little tired I think, and tired of hearing people talk about good and bad deaths. It’s just over. I know that when he was able to understand what was happening to him, he hated it and he asked that we not take extra measures to keep him alive, when it was his time to go. I am glad that we were able to fulfill that request for him.

The funeral is Friday. It’s going to be a long day with the small children (2.5 hour drive each way) but I’m glad that I am able to go. I will go and try not to dwell in my grieving and I will celebrate his life.

There is a bit of a sticking point though. My father, who I no longer see due to many years of ‘stuff’, will be there. My mother is planning to leave him, she says (I am not convinced). In any event they still live together and my Pa was his father-in-law for 3o odd years and therefore my father will attend the funeral. He will almost certainly make a scene.

He is not a person who is able to judge appropriate versus inappropriate behaviour very well. He is extremely egocentric. He is convinced that my sister and I having broken off contact due to my mother “bad-mouthing” him. Yeah, nothing to do with all the years of trauma and abuse and his alcoholism. Not that.

It is self centred to worry about it, and, to be honest, I hate the tone that this post has taken. I just wish I didn’t have to deal with it. Beefcake and my bro-in-law will be there to keep him away. I”m just hoping he does and doesn’t try to make a scene. I just want to say goodbye to my Pa. I hope it can just be about him.

In the meantime, seeing as I can’t actually crawl into a little cave somewhere and wait this out, I am soooo grateful to have the blogs that I read and the people who read and comment here. It is actually fantastic therapy, to pull my head out of my own arse and read about what’s going on for other people. It helps tremendously.

P.S. Sorry for turning comments off on yesterday’s post. It just seemed appropriate to me.

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6 responses

  1. My heart is with you, sweetie. I hope everything goes as well as it possibly can, considering the circumstances.I’ll be thinking of you.

  2. IM so sorry for your loss. ((hugs))

  3. There’s no easy way to say good-bye, no matter how the end came. And family drama certainly won’t make it easier – you’re not whining or being self-centred at all! That’s a totally valid concern. I hope that yours fears don’t pan out babe – I hope that you’ll just have a chance to say good-bye and remember your Pa in peace. Hugs.

  4. Oh Ali… I wish you didn’t have to deal with the Dad “stuff” on top of losing your Pa. I’m sure you’ll be fine …. regardless of what your Dad does…. but here’s a tip to avoid a huge emotional argument. Agree with him. About everything. If he says, for example, “Oh here’s little miss Ali! I bet you wouldn’t drive this far if it was ME who had died” – agree with him. If he says “you still believe all those lies your mother has told you about me” just agree with him, but in a non-infammatory way.”I can understand why you’d think that Dad” is a great way to agree withOUT agreeing.Good luck my friend.I so hope that the day can purely be a chance to say goodbye to your lovely Pa. xxxx

  5. Thanks for your lovely words guys. Fe, I’m gonna use that if it comes to it!

  6. So sorry. I hope you have a proper chance for goodbye in spite of your father.

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