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In which I try to justify my failings as a wife/mother/woman/human being

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So, it turns out I really do need to take these multi-vitamins that my midwife sent to me via my sister. She had been hearing from my very pregnant sister (who, incidentally has requested that she be known on this blog as Patchouli! – she was quite specific about he exclamation mark) about my falling ill about fifty-two-hundred-thousand-bajillion times since Grub was born. So, my midwife gave Patchouli! some capsules for me to take, which I did, until I felt better and then, of course, I stopped.

Now here we are a week after I stopped taking them and I have ginormous bags under my eyes and can barely drag myself between the couch and bed. I am never good at taking any medication, or supplement. Regular routines like that seem to mess with my (rather erratic) natural rhythms and cause me to feel restricted and confined and “I just need to get away from this” and so they never last very long.

My inability to cope with routines extends into many aspects of our life. For example, on Tuesday we were having guests for afternoon tea. They were to arrive at 2pm. At 11:45am, I walked into our then lounge room and announced to my husband and children that we must, immediately switch the furniture between the lounge and the dining room/office. This had been discussed previously but no firm plans had been made until that moment.

Fortunately, my family have long since become accustomed to my scary manic fits of  “we must race around urgently fixing everything, now, now, now!”. I regularly switch furniture around and Beefcake, who is equally up for change but prefers to take things at a more measured pace, has learned to comply with my whims and be swift about it. It’s better that way.

You can imagine what it’s like when I am pregnant and nesting. Let’s just say that if you’re afraid of heavy lifting and possibly minor home renovation activities such as plastering, painting and re-flooring (perhaps some light plumbing) it is best to steer clear of me.

So, we did manage to achieve the room switching, which was some feat indeed. Especially if you consider that the dining room/office had become a major dumping ground for all sorts of crap, which required redistributing in an even layer throughout the house. The only slight problem was that our friends arrived a few minutes early and I missed out on blow-drying my hair and applying any make-up. Also, my friend has now been able to confirm to herself that I am insane (although I am sure she would say that she has always known) and I am not sure if providing her with this evidence is a positive move.  So, yeah,  I’m not always good with routine, I like change.  I often feel,  I would like to move house, preferably from one side of the world to the other. However, often I want to find a nice comfy home and never ever move again. So maybe I am just moody.

Anyway, the consequence of my not coping with self-medication very well, is that Beefcake must baby me. He must fetch my capsules and put me to bed for naps and make me cups of tea because I have run myself into the ground and  am no longer functional.

How have I managed to get myself into a position of being so completely and utterly devoid of energy reserves, yet again?

It just seems to be a constant cycle of just bringing my head above water and having enough energy to get through and cater to everyone’s needs before I am sucked back under again and unable to keep afloat. Do I do it to myself on purpose I wonder, by trying to be crazily perfect and do EVERYTHING when I can manage? I worry that the kids will think that I am just always tired and lazy and drowning and that will be their pervasive impression of me throughout their childhood. I think that is partly because they have a stepmother who doesn’t seem to be drowning. Who doesn’t have  an extra four tons residing on her thighs and is all go, go, go. Do they see me as the crap failure? (Which I am but am probably less paranoid and more accepting about most of the time.)

I don’t know. This post makes me sound completely manic but on reflection, I actually think that it is Christmas next week and I have had a tiring year and am just busy getting things organised and if I get a chance for a nap I should just take it and not over analyse.

Okay, thanks for that. Off to bed.

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7 responses

  1. What are these vitamin things that you’re supposed to take called? I need some.

    Everything feels worse at this time of year. It’s manic. It’s expensive. It’s cold. It’s definitely ok to have a nap and forget about it all. So go for it.

  2. I think you’re being too hard on yourself! You have a little baby, and that’s enough to make anyone tired. I would guess that you’re only seeing the stepmother at her best, (that’s all I’D show to my husband’s ex!) and she has those moments too. Hugs!

    I’m glad I’m not the only one with a mania for moving furniture – only I do it by myself when Hubs isn’t home – his greatest fear is going blind, and then falling all over the furniture that is never where he thinks it will be.

    And yes, what’s in those capsules? I haven’t slept through the night in over 2 years and I could use the help!

    And I forgot to add your new site to my blog reader, and this morning I was all, “hmm…wonder why Ali hasn’t posted?” Yep. I’m an eejit.

    badness jones’s last blog post… Random sleepy thoughts…

  3. I am too independent when it comes to rearranging a room. I would MUCH rather do it when no one else is around. That way, I can’t notice how I’m doing all of the work ANYWAY, and also? No one can tell me they don’t think it will look good…

    tracey’s last blog post… Putting things into perspective… Again…

  4. Yes go to bed right now and stay away form the furniture please

    Suzie’s last blog post… 10 Reasons Why My Coffee Maker is Better Than My Husband

  5. What are these vitamins you are taking and where do I get these little pills of magic? Oh wait! You’re in Australia, right? Well there goes that. And also, AFTERNOON TEA? I need some of that. I have always wished I was a tea drinker, but, alas, I am not. Also? You really just described me, so HI ME! I am unable to complete routines and I’m also resistant to change, co clearly I kind of suck. Although I totally think I rawk and I’m just unique like that.

  6. This is such a great place to vent, isn’t it? Afternoon tea? OK, that must mean that you are not in the U.S. as we don’t do that sort of thing, unless it’s in a fancy hotel while traveling out of town and cost $40 per person.

    Margaret (Nanny Goats)’s last blog post… Not That I’m Bitter About It or Anything…

  7. Yes! Cough up vitamin information. After nine years of living as you have described I am a rubbish bag with a head and have bags under my eyes that reach my knees. Your worries are totally normal, to me anyway. Don’t know if that helps!

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