I probably shouldn’t write this as it is tactless and in poor taste but….. I am tactless and in poor taste?
It’s been in my head today and the only thing to do is post it I think.
As you will be aware, my name begins with ‘A’. Representing the first letter of the alphabet can be a touch annoying because you tend to recieve frequent accidental calls from peoples mobile phones. I usually hang up reasonably quickly when I receive one of these calls, unless there is something really interesting being said on the other end of the line.
Now, some people are worse offenders when it comes to accidental calls than others. A female relative of mine, with whom I have a reasonably close relationship, is a bad offender. I frequently get calls from her as her bag is jostled about on her shoulder as she walks to work or am treated to conversations between her and her son as she drives him to school. As I said, I roll my eyes and hang up. It’s no big deal.
A while back, Beefcake answered our home phone. He listened for a moment and then frowned saying “It sounds as though someone’s being injured”. He handed me the phone and I listened for a moment. I could hear a woman’s voice on the other end of the line. She was screaming as though she was being beaten or tortured. It sounded horrific. We continued to listen and were contemplating what to do when the sounds changed slightly. We could hear a man’s voice and the woman alternated between screeching and whispering to the man. We realised what we had been listening to was in fact, people having sex. Not only that but the realisation suddenly dawned that it was my relative and her partner. Wow. Loud.
We had a bit of a giggle and a shudder at the thought of it. We were seeing her the next day and needed to process it and move on as quickly as possible so as to avoid any sniggering when we saw her. I was terrified that I would catch Beefcake’s eye and burst into fits of hysterics. We made a pact not to look at each other.
She arrived the next afternoon, neck all wrapped in a scarf, “I’ve lost my voice” she explained.
It had to turn around and pretend to be doing something with Pudding so she wouldn’t see my face. I couldn’t look at Beefcake for her entire visit.