You may think that post is formed out of a lack of blog fodder on my part. Not at all, not at all. This is out of my genuine concern for my fellow blogger. TAKE HEED or you will be me.
- Do not discuss with sister-in-law the fact that i-phone would make perfect replacement for husband (if only vibration capabilities were improved) in front of teenage son. He will ask you what you were talking about later.
- Do not flaunt i-phone at husband too much. He will begin feverish coveting of said. Tantruming may result.
- Do not shut labrador in back part of house when you go out for several hours. She will feel cheated. She will headbutt door and wall. In rickety old house, this means you will come home to broken bathroom mirror – dislodged from wall and smashed all over bathroom floor*.
- When vaccuming in bathroom, do not come too close to toilet roll. A roll of toilet paper has never unrolled so fast (Beefcake’s mistake, not mine.).
- When sending daughter to sleepover birthday party, check her bag. She will forget pyjamas and hairbrush. Other mother now knows your failings as a mother.
- Do not allow husband in to the supermarket alone. He will run in to sleepover mother. She will bring up the topic of daughter’s nightime coughing. He will make us appear negligent parents. Also, he will not buy milk or dog food.
- Do not allow teenage son to sms his father. Prick will not bother to respond. Son will be let down. Will take it out on you.
- Do not post bitchy things on twitter and then admit to sister-in-law that you are on twitter. That is living on the edge.
- Do not attempt enthusiastic high kick whilst “dancing” with 3-year-old son. You don’t have the pelvis for it.
- When sending husband out for milk, dog food and chocolate, tattoo the words ‘buy milk’ on his forehead. Not only will he return without milk but he will persist with charade that he did, in fact, purchase milk. He will go out to the car, you will hear the car start, you will hear it pull out of the driveway. When he returns ten minutes later, he will hold up milk and say “found it, it was under Grub’s seat”. You will want to throttle him.
- Buy more than one can of dog food at a time. Remembering at dinner time EVERY NIGHT for weeks that you have no dog food will grow tedious over time.
*Note: We have no proof that this is how the mirror became dislodged but, judging by previous headbutting attempts, this seems likely.