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Buy me a ranting chair!

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As anyone who reads this regularly will know, Beefcake works from home. His hours are very flexible as he works for a company on the other side of the world. This means that he can sometimes have meetings at 1am and the like but for the most part it’s great because he can organise his work around our family a fair bit. He gets to be around for things that a lot of working parents aren’t able to take part in. It’s great for the kids and we manage pretty well spending so much time together (as a general rule). Like any other job, Beefcake accrues leave, which he likes to take and have a total break from the stresses of his job. He is currently halfway through the first week of two weeks of annual leave he has booked.

It’s a weird thing. Ordinarily we get along well. We have occasional brawls in the street disagreements in an ordniary week but we are usually pretty okay. We like each others company and we don’t feel too much need for time apart. When he is working he is relatively easy to get along with. When he is not, he’s a nightmare.

I swear, he is having hormonal problems or something. He must be about to get his period any day now. It’s unbelievable. He rants and carries on like a pork chop. This morning he claimed that I was “persecuting him” because I asked him not to open a packet of bacon. Those were his exact words. I couldn’t help it. I got on the phone to my sister and the two of us had tears of laughter streaming down our faces as we giggled about it.

He’s like a tantrumy child. It’s as though his brain can’t cope if he has nothing to do. I need to find more DIY for him to do before he suffers a complete meltdown.

This afternoon though, he gave me such a little gem of blog fodder to share, I have been chuckling to myself ever since. He has an aversion to fish, you see. Fish of all kinds, even the smell of a fish makes him freak out and feel ill. He’s very dramatic about it. I was having a grumble to him this afternoon about the fact that we don’t have a lot of fish in our diets because of his dislike for it and the fact that the kids need their Omega 3’s and all that jazz. This is what my grumpy old man of a husband had to say about that:

“It’s all a conspiracy from the fish producers, anyway” …… “You never needed fish in my day”

And there you have it. No word of a lie. He really is that much of a ranty old fart. I have often joked that as he gets older I will need to buy him a “ranting chair” which he can sit in and lecture everyone as they go by. He’s shown signs of heading that way for a while but I think by the end of this fortnight, he’ll actually be ready for it.

P.S. I am gonna be in so much trouble when he reads this. I’m evil, me. I know it’ll piss him off but I just can’t seem to help myself.

Edited to add: I have been corrected. I actually said something about eating fish three times a week  as well and Beefcake actually said something about fish industry propaganda NOT a fish industry conspiracy. Important details people. Eyewitnesses are notoriously unreliable. You shouldn’t believe a word I write.

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8 responses

  1. ‘Propaganda’ and ‘conspiracy’- worlds apart, Ali. Worlds apart. You bacon conspiracists are always spreading fishy propaganda in order to persecute the innocent idle with too much time on their hands. Shouldn’t he be using his powers for good and doing wondrous things to your kitchen right about now?

    tinsenpup’s last blog post… Grace In Small Things: 10 of 365

  2. I just finished eating my salmon filet for lunch and thought “Wow…wild caught salmon smells REALLY fishy.” Me thinks your husband would never survive in my house.

    BTW, he sounds like my parents when we tell them that smoking is bad for their health… they say there is NOTHING wrong with smoking and the bad publicity is all propaganda.

    Hyphen Mama’s last blog post… Thank Gawd for Small Favors

  3. I hope you laughed at him when he said In My Day! Otherwise you may as well buy him a Volvo and a driving cap.

    Stomper Girl’s last blog post… Foot in the Door.

    • You know, we used to own a volvo. He took it as a stamp of his manhood that he was comfortable enough to drive around in a volvo. Clearly he is actually just a total wanker sometimes!

  4. “you never needed fish in my day?” omg–THAT is hysterical. he does sound like a grumpy old man. my hubs doesn’t like to eat veggies (though he does if i insist) but he’s never said he didn’t have to eat veggies in his day. lol. and, i want a rant chair myself : )

    creativekerfuffle’s last blog post… it’s july

  5. O.M.G. I have tears of laughter running down my cheeks.

    My head is spinning with hysterical responses… but I just wouldn’t be able to do them justice.

    Thanks for the laugh Ali.

    xoxoxox

    Fe’s last blog post… Perspective…

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