Does anyone else start a blog post over and over again. I think it is a symptom of the fact that I really have very little to say.
The big children have returned to school as of yesterday. I did enjoy their company whilst they were on holidays but I must admit I am enjoying return to the familiar routine of children to school during the day. Beefcake works much of the day and for a few hours at night giving me this few precious hours of child and husband free time in which to stare at my laptop. Routine is a fabuloussanitygivingheavensentjoy in this instance. I feel bad for needing this time alone. Last night I had to ask Rhubarb to go and hang out in his room because I so desperately needed a couple of hours alone. He was most put out but I feel he should be grateful that I didn’t bite his head off. I was a little bit on edge.
Grub is not being a low-maintainence bubba at the moment. Well, let’s be honest, she’s never been a low-maintainence baby. I am feeling overwhelmed at the moment. She feeds and feeds and feeds overnight. She insists on being held while she sleeps. She is exhausting. She is getting some teeth, she is going through an unsettled phase. I have had enough.
It will get better. She will grow out of it but last night when I couldn’t even get a couple of hours of not touching someone, not being touched, I felt like I would lose my mind.
My pelvis, which I try not to bring up too much, is being horrible. I am having one of my little down phases. Sometimes I feel like it will never get better. By the time Pudding* was this age I was better. I know I was. I was more functional. I was in less pain. I had really started to recover a bit. I mean, I was never entirely pain free but I was better. Why is it not getting better? I have these pitifully childish moments of “it’s not fair” and “nobody else has pain each time they walk, each time they move”. I anger myself and try and pull it together. I am a bore.
Chromic pain affects who you are. I watch people move. They walk, they jog, they lift, they climb. I see these movements and wince for a moment before I realise that there is no pain. It doesn’t hurt them to move. That is mine.
On the upside, the baking has been continuing. Perhaps not in the fevered cake-producing manner that it began but still. There has been cooking and baking of a satisfying nature in my nice functional kitchen. I will post some photos of it soon but taking a photo and then plugging the camera into the laptop seems like a world of complex procedure at the moment. But for now, food. Food is good.
*My brain does not work. I typed his real actual name to begin with and it took some minutes to realise. Does anyone else who uses pseudonyms for their family ever do that? Nope? Just me then.