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Whingey whine whine whine whinge

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Does anyone else start a blog post over and over again. I think it is a symptom of the fact that I really have very little to say.

The big children have returned to school as of yesterday. I did enjoy their company whilst they were on holidays but I must admit I am enjoying return to the familiar routine of children to school during the day. Beefcake works much of the day and for a few hours at night giving me this few precious hours of child and husband free time in which to stare at my laptop. Routine is a fabuloussanitygivingheavensentjoy in this instance. I feel bad for needing this time alone. Last night I had to ask Rhubarb to go and hang out in his room because I so desperately needed a couple of hours alone. He was most put out but I feel he should be grateful that I didn’t bite his head off. I was a little bit on edge.

Grub is not being a low-maintainence bubba at the moment. Well, let’s be honest, she’s never been a low-maintainence baby. I am feeling overwhelmed at the moment. She feeds and feeds and feeds overnight. She insists on being held while she sleeps. She is exhausting. She is getting some teeth, she is going through an unsettled phase. I have had enough.

It will get better. She will grow out of it but last night when I couldn’t even get a couple of hours of not touching someone, not being touched, I felt like I would lose my mind.

My pelvis, which I try not to bring up too much, is being horrible. I am having one of my little down phases. Sometimes I feel like it will never get better. By the time Pudding* was  this age I was better. I know I was. I was more functional. I was in less pain. I had really started to recover a bit. I mean, I was never entirely pain free but I was better. Why is it not getting better? I have these pitifully childish moments of  “it’s not fair” and “nobody else has pain each time they walk, each time they move”. I anger myself and try and pull it together.   I am a bore.

Chromic pain affects who you are. I watch people move. They walk, they jog, they lift, they climb. I see these movements and wince for a moment before I realise that there is no pain. It doesn’t hurt them to move. That is mine.

On the upside, the baking has been continuing. Perhaps not in the fevered cake-producing manner that it began but still. There has been cooking and baking of a satisfying nature in my nice functional kitchen. I will post some photos of it soon but taking a photo and then plugging the camera into the laptop seems like a world of complex procedure at the moment. But for now, food. Food is good.

*My brain does not work. I typed his real actual name to begin with and it took some minutes to realise. Does anyone else who uses pseudonyms for their family ever do that? Nope? Just me then.

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8 responses

  1. I know it doesn’t help, but I’m with you on the pain thing at the moment. I am in pain with my back all of the time. And I know EXACTLY how it is to look at someone else doing a simple task or movement and to actually be jealous.

    I have cancelled the cortisone injections tomorrow (for my back) because I am a woosy woosy woos woos… so I can not complain of the pain again. Ever. Until next time I do.

    BIG HUGS on the pain thing babe.

    And I have actually posted real names in a blog. Once. Sunnyroadmum emailed me quick smart to let me know (as I had done the same for her a few months before).

    xox
    .-= Fe´s last blog ..As much as I have LOVED blogspot…. =-.

  2. I write posts and then delete them all the time. Usually when I have nothing to say. On those days I should probably just leave the blog alone and go do something else but somehow I am compelled to post something on my blog, even if it’s just a photo of a bee made from an aubergine and some bits of pepper.
    .-= bevchen´s last blog ..Busy, busy, busy =-.

  3. I accidentally type my kids’ real names and then freak out, then go back through several posts to make sure I haven’t actually published some.

    I SO know how you feel about the pain. When I was 24 I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis. I thought I’d go completely insane wondering if I’d ever get one minute of pain free living again in my life. I cried, I felt sorry for myself. I couldn’t get into or out of bed, into or out of the shower, driving was excruciating. It took months and years, and high doses of supplements (my mom went to work finding THE combination that would fix me). In my current life I use acupuncture to control my symptoms.

    I subscribe to this blog, but never end up reading it… It’s called “healing pain naturally” http://jennymannion.com/healpain/

    I hope you find resolution in your pain. It absolutely changes who we are at the core and the anger and rage it creates because we don’t feel good, rubs off on all those around us.
    .-= Hyphen Mama´s last blog ..WWYD? =-.

  4. Chronic pain is hugely debilitating and if you add that to not enough sleep and not enough time when no-one is grabbing you (Oh how I hear ya on THAT one!), no wonder you feel miserable. Maybe you need a little pamper to cheer yourself up? A movie on your own and a meal in a cafe with a book, I did that once and felt SO MUCH BETTER. Just a thought
    .-= Stomper Girl´s last blog ..My Corner of the Washing Line =-.

  5. Dude. Pelvis. I know exactly how you feel. Mine is out of alignment again, giving me stabbing pain when I try and move/walk and I’m just trying to grit my teeth and get through it. What else have you tried to make it better?

    I’m having a bad few days too. I think it’s the weather. I hope your pelvis stabilises soon. xx
    .-= Veronica´s last blog ..Sleep and Toys =-.

  6. Lucy is on a nursing bender, too. Last night was AWFUL. UP ALL NIGHT. And it makes me super nervous about going to BlogHer. Although, I’m sort of looking forward to sleeping in the middle of a bed with no one touching me. Then, I feel guilty for feeling like that.

    Motherhood is hard.
    .-= Leslie´s last blog ..The Hump Day Haiku B.I.L.F. – This Simple Life =-.

  7. constant pain is so tiring and crochety making. I hate being bothered when I am in pain. I can only imagine what it is like to have a clingy baby when you feel like that, and it is not good. Much sympathy and a wave, not a hug!

  8. being home w/ the kids this summer i almost feel like i have one “feeding” lol. sometimes i just want to say get the hell off of me for five minutes! they are always THERE. but then i escape online and ignore them for a few hours and all is well.
    and yes, i do sometimes slip up and type their names on my blog before i realize what i’ve done.
    .-= creativekerfuffle´s last blog ..i’ve got the look =-.

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