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In which I am not good at being a basket case

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I’ve been seeing a psychologist to try and “discuss” how my pain is making me feeeeeeel.

The thing is. I don’t think I’m very good at it.

I think – and this is just a guess here people, correct me if I am wrong- that I am supposed to tell her stuff and it will help me feel better and I will gain a deeper understanding of my inner workings. The thing is. I think I am just too private a person  (says she airing her innermost for strangers on the internet) to make it work.

First of all. I spend half of the session consciously forcing myself to make eye contact with her. I am really bad at eye contact in this sort of situation. I want to crawl into a hole. So I am there trying to make myself look at her and internally debating with myself that it’s probably okay not to make eye contact all of the time and then realising I’ve stared at the table leg too long.

Then I can’t decide what I am supposed to say to her. I mean she asks questions and things but they are so open ended and I could go in any one of a billion directions with it and half the time I find myself meandering off in some unrelated direction and having to somehow swing it back to something remotely related to what she was trying to get at. Then I am sure I have done it wrong and then I have to pretend that what we have been talking about has somehow deepened my self-understanding and given me things to think about. What I am actually thinking is, oh my god, how am I going to think of things to say for the next forty-five minutes?

It doesn’t help at all that I am actually emotionally fragile at the moment. Look at me the wrong way and I will either cry  or in the case of Beefcake cry and attack with the nearest sharp object. I probably do need to “talk” to someone about “things” but I just don’t think I am going to be able to really be open and honest with a complete stranger.

I mean, I say stuff. I have plenty of juicy and significant life history to share, all very meaning-laden and important BUT I’m pretty lazy* really. I can’t be bothered rehashing stuff, or maybe I don’t want to think too deeply on things, I don’t know.

Either way I think I am done with it. We have talked about some things which have helped in a way. We have talked about how I am, by nature, not kind to myself. We have talked about the fact that this is not good. I have cried a lot but as I previously noted, that’s not really a feat at the moment. I saw her today and left utterly exhausted. I feel so on my guard while I am there that it’s completely draining.

I am so self-defeating aren’t I? Go on, I know you were thinking it. I think I shall try and leave it for a while and see if I can come back to it later. That sounds good, yes? Considering I have to spend days mentally preparing for any appointment with doctors or anyone really (or you know, working up to making a phone call) I think this is just one more health professional I don’t need to have to deal with at the moment.

I will have to convince Beefcake that I should be allowed to crawl into my little doona cocoon and hide from it all for a while longer. That will be easier said than done as he is all about the making me do things that I don’t want to do.

Bastard.

*Dingdingdingdingding – a word I am not supposed to say or think in relation to myself. This stumped me for a good while as I was supposed to think of a word that I should say/think whenever I say/think that I am lazy. That was really HARD.

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8 responses

  1. I didn’t find myself thinking you were self-defeating. I found myself thinking that the psychologist you saw was probably not a good match for you. It’s conceivable that you might feel comfortable sharing things with a different person. In any case, I think it’s reasonable to want to stop going through something you find so draining and unproductive.
    .-= alejna´s last blog ..sleeping around =-.

  2. I was thinking along the same lines as alejna. You probably need a different therapist, one that does help you.
    .-= Stomper Girl´s last blog ..Theres a hole in your trousers dear Climber dear Climber =-.

  3. I vote for writing it out. Better than any therapy and not as hard!

  4. Hey Ali, I think I would be just like you and struggle to share with a total stranger. Don’t be so hard on yourself and maybe do as Veronica suggested, write it out. We are all here to support you in any way we can.
    .-= Del´s last blog ..Day 1 – Port Moresby to Isurava via Kokoda =-.

  5. Finding a psychologist that suits you is no mean feat. The others are right. maybe you just didn’t find the right type yet. I personally found grief counselling much more useful than a regular psychologist. At least I felt there was a point to why I was there and that they were more focussed. You are right, regular psychologists are on the whole too diffuse for me to feel I am making any headway. I think what you are feeling is perfectly normal and entirely fair.xx

  6. Aw hon. I went through a serious depression where I didn’t return a single phone call, even to my closest friends, for over a year. It just felt like the phone was like lead, too heavy to contemplate lifting. I think writing it out can help, talking can definitely help, but you have to find the right person – or a web full of them. I think that considering the pain you’re going through, your feelings are completely normal, but that doesn’t make them any easier to live with. Hugs. Be good to yourself, and as hard as it is, crawling out of your cocoon and interacting with the world is probably the best medicine….at least, it always is for me.
    .-= badness jones´s last blog ..Comeback of the Day =-.

  7. I’d say you know your needs better than anyone. You know where your energy needs to be focused.
    .-= tinsenpup´s last blog ..October 2009 =-.

  8. I had a great psych and then she left and then I had a terrible one, who no matter what i said or didn’t say, I always left feeling exhausted. I just didn’t go back one day.

    Hugs. You know what is right for you.
    .-= tiff´s last blog ..Why can’t I have a PICC line repair kit =-.

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