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Better than?

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It’s funny how small things will make everything seem brighter. I saw a handbag that I quite liked a couple of weeks ago. It wasn’t very expensive and I thought today that I would look again and see if I still wanted it. As it happens, I did and when I sent Beefy up to pay so that I could continue to browse (he knows his place), guess what? A THIRD of the original price. A THIRD. I don’t know about you but that signals to me that I now have the other two thirds to spend on something for myself. I mean, it’s only right. Unfortunately, I didn’t manage to spend the lot but I did get a new top (also on sale). In my defence I have lost around 10kg in the last couple of months so I am reduced to some very ill-fitting and very old wardrobe items. I NEEDED it. Still, it is so nice to sometimes do something like that. It has been a while since I’ve even wanted to buy new things so I’m practically in shock over all my recent purchases.

Also today I was due to go to my GP to get some longer acting pain meds to help me manage my arthritis flare. It’s funny. I have gone from being on very hardcore pain meds, which kept needing to be upped as my body became tolerant very quickly, to nothing for a short while (when it looked as I was going into remission) to back on slightly less hardcore (but not much) pain meds. How’s that for a sentence.

I am in two minds about the new pain meds. I absolutely know that I can’t manage without help for my pain at the moment. I was beginning to get very depressed and pretty desperate, I needed to sleep for one thing. I needed help, I know that.

There’s the other side to it though. These are very serious, addictive pain meds. When I decided to stop having pain meds last time it was because I felt better, because I wanted to know what my body felt like without the influence of narcotics and because I had begun to feel that I needed them just to feel remotely normal. They were no longer very effective even when I did have pain. It was a hard thing to go through. I weaned down to a small dose, with withdrawals at every stage and then, when I stopped I suffered weeks of awful withdrawals. It was horrible. I was really proud that I made that choice, that I did that all by myself. It felt great. Now I am back to square one.

Do you know what really scares me though? What if this signals the start of another few months that I will lose to just being ill and sore and sad. What if this “flare” doesn’t go away next week or the week after and I am back to square one trialling arthritis meds that make me ill, or unable to eat, or my hair fall out – or just exhausted. What if I lose 2011 the way that I lost 2010. Just a series of months that flew by, each one the same. Me not achieving anything, barely existing.

Then I got an interesting phone call.

Forever ago my GP sent a referral to a pain management unit. I knew the wait would be long but today they called to say they had a cancellation, could I come in tomorrow? It’s a multidisciplinary thing, I will be poked and prodded by every type of specialist under the sun. I have to stay for hours and be there on Wednesday as well. It will be exhausting.

Part of me worries that they will say there is nothing wrong, that I am a malingerer. It’s ridiculous, there are parts of me that are obviously, visibly swollen. I know it’s irrational but I sooooooo don’t feel deserving of this help.

There was no way though, that I could look at Beefcake and the kids and say “no, I don’t think I’ll bother with that”. I know I have to do it for them and I know I have to do it or myself.

They may not have anything new to say. They may feel that I am already trying what I can try. Then again, maybe they will be able to help me cope, even just a little bit better.

Either way, at least I’ll look nice, carrying my new bag, wearing my new top. That’s got to be better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick.


2 responses

  1. I hope it went well.

    And sending you lots of hugs, especially for this: ‘What if this signals the start of another few months that I will lose to just being ill and sore and sad.’ Hugs especially for that.

  2. “I don’t know about you but that signals to me that I now have the other two thirds to spend on something for myself.”

    LOL! That is graceful logic right there. I love it.

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