What is it with me and the temptation to just pull away from everything that makes me happy when I’m having trouble?
I stop blogging first. Fair enough, when you’re going through “stuff” sometimes you just need to keep yourself to yourself*. The next thing to go is reading other people’s posts – I don’t want to comment because that would be like talking to people and we all know that’s the last thing that will help when things are going wrong in your life. So, no commenting means no reading because if I read I will want to comment and I can’t even wrap my head around what other people are doing right now so really it’s best if I just leave my feedreader right alone. Now, because I can’t read blogs, it’s better not open my laptop because if I do I will read blogs. I mean, that’s what the internet’s for, right? I can’t imagine what else people might use the internet for (with the exception of obsessive googling of course, but I can do that from my phone or
Beefy’s my ipad. Also, I can’t email bloggy people, even those who have specifically offered their shoulder to cry on. Not because I’d have to open the laptop but because that falls into the category of INTERACTION.
Before you know it I’m just collapsing in on myself from all sides, making myself small so that nobody can see me. If they can’t see me they won’t try to interact with me. It all works really well. Awesomely, in fact, if you want to lose your mind.
I’m not sure why I need to learn this lesson over and over again. I need to blog and I need to interact.
I’m pretty pleased with myself though, I actually talked to my very dearest soul-mate friend about “things” and before you think that’s easy, it’s not. When I dropped out of my career 6 years ago to have Skunky she kept working. She now has a million and five things (including Ph.D- can you tell I’m proud of her?) happening and lives far, far away and between my four kids and her two and everything else, we have to schedule getting together (or even a long phone call) with military precision. When you add in my strong tendency to keep things to myself it’s really something to be proud of.
Then I got forced, literally forced, to be on the laptop. Beefy put a new operating system on for me and after a couple of false starts I LOVE IT. It’s all bright and shiny and new and he didn’t set anything up for me so that I could play and put things the way I want them and, and I can make it pretty. And it’s cool. And pretty. So I have to blog now because I can only play with it for so long. I have a short attention span.
Anyway, things are ever so slowly getting a bit better. It’s still not wonderful but I can go whole days without crying (much) and I can now believe that we might eventually return to the normal state of things at some point.
I’m not sure how things are going with my badly behaved and ornery body. The new pain med seems to be helping a bit but we will have to up the dose if I am ever going to function. I bent down for five minutes or so to pull a couple of weeds out of the vege patch on Friday and something in my back (pelvis) went “clunk”, which spelled three days of not being able to walk (really, Beefy had to carry me to the toilet, not fun). I keep saying to my Rheum and GP that things will click in and out and cause surrounding muscles to spasm. Everyone acknowledges that my body does things it shouldn’t but they don’t seem to be able to process how much the muscles spasming all over the place contribute to pain. You just can’t mask that sort of pain, you have to stop the muscles from spasming.
I feel like I’m at a dead-end. I know we’re not quite there with understanding what’s going on with the bod but I can’t seem to push them to see that too.
We went back and checked my diary to see of there’s any pattern to things. Every month just before my period I put my back out, that can’t be a coincidence, can it? I read something the other day that said that the increased relaxin levels in women at that time of the month can cause problems for those that have had pelvic instability during pregnancy. I’m wondering how much difference it might have made if I had seen that orthopaedic surgeon at a different time.
Maybe I just overanalyse anything. I can’t help it, I’m just looking for something that will make everything make sense.
Somebody needs to put me in a google-free environment so I don’t keep searching for answers. It’s an obsession.
Finally, thank you to everyone who contacted me, either privately or through comments. I’m sorry I didn’t get back to people, I just couldn’t, I’m sure you understand.
* Yes, I’m aware that I did blog about it. That particular post is gone now, for the time being, maybe. That’s probably wrong or not sharing things warts and all, not being truthful, whatever. I can’t bear to have it looking me in the eye when I come here.