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I’ve got the FEVER!!!!!

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You know how it is.

You blog, play on the internet for a little while, then leave your laptop open, sitting down the end of the bed. Beefy closes it when he comes to bed.

The RA fevers, which are new to me (I thought I’d craftily got myself drugged up early in my disease and wouldn’t get them, wishful thinking much?) are bad and you can’t manage everything, getting out and opening the laptop seems so hard, and you wouldn’t be able to concentrate anyway. It’s best not to be too out of it when you’re going for a jaunt around the internet, anything could happen.

You check your phone for emails that need replying to and there are none.

It doesn’t occur to you that the laptop stole them while it was open.

The house is running out of food, you can’t put off the online shopping any longer.

You open your laptop and whoosh, it fills up with emails. Comments that you haven’t replied to, emails that you haven’t responded to.

You feel guilty.

Everybody else seems to manage to blog constantly and be all over twitter and, and, and.

I’m sorry that I’m a bit crap. My body makes demands that I can never seem to meet. I feel like I’m always falling a bit short, sometimes a lot short. I find it so hard to keep up in all aspects of my life. My kids get less, my husband gets less, my friends, my housework, my hobbies. Sometimes I feel like I’ve come to terms with my limits. Other times I am still longing for who I used to be, longing for everything to be easy. still put on the good front for almost everyone. Why do I do that? I think it’s because I’m embarrassed, I’m prideful. I don’t want anyone to see me as less. But it’s true, I am less. Less everything. Even though I know that this is life now, I don’t want to change how I see myself. Letting go of that other self. That self who was more. Who could do more.

Wow, I think I’m feeling a touch melancholy today, moving along.

As promised, a photo of the very green bathroom:

Now, when I bought my sarape, I promised that I would provide a photo to demonstrate the awesomeness that is the blanket. Today, whilst still in my pyjamas, with bed hair, I tried to take a photo of myself with my blanket. I couldn’t get a good one so I asked Poss to help me. She LOVED helping me take photos and we might have gotten a bit carried away with the posing and the giggling. In the end she took A FUCKING LOT. So, I thought I would share with you a selection of the photos we took, including the one where I hurt my back, see if you can spot it. I don’t know why I said that, it’s not hard to spot. Anyway, enjoy!

P.S. I don’t even let photos of me be on the wall, there are three small wedding photos and that’s it. I can’t believe I just did that. Blame the fever.

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9 responses

  1. Firstly… LOVE that green! It totally makes me happy :)

    Secondly… you’re so gorgeous.. you should absolutely put more pictures of yourself around the house :)

    I think you need me to come down there and take some family photographs for you. :)

    • Me too, it can cheer me up in a second. Amazing the effect that a colour can have. Thank you darling, I would LOVE you to come to Adelaide! You and the boys are welcome to come and have a stay any old time. The smileys are awesome, don’t ever be ashamed of smileys!

  2. Fourthly… did I really just write a comment containing THREE smiley faces?? Sheesh. Sorry about that. xx

  3. gorgeous green!!!!

    i love the pics of the sarape………..looks wonderful!!!

  4. That green is sensational. You’re right; so happy.

    You’re blankie is beautiful. You are beautiful. Awesome!

    As for the rest. I could almost have written it…and I’m reasonably healthy. Most of the time I just seem to scrape by doing everything quite poorly. I’m hopeless at keeping up with emails and blogging and friends and all the things I want to do and all the things I NEED to do. If there’s ever a time where I’m doing one thing well, it probably means that everything else has gone to shit.

    • Thank you. Really? I feel as though I’m the only one who has all of this trouble managing. I guess I’ve had times when I’ve struggled before but Now it’s all of the time. It rankles. I need to remember that I’m not alone and maybe that nobody’s judging. Probably. x

  5. You look great and I love the sarape.
    Be kind to yourself.

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